I always wondered why bloggers wiped their blogs and started over. They’d disappear from a space I’d loved so much and reappear months, sometimes years, later in a whole new space. With a whole new blog. I’d always wonder – why? Didn’t they know that I was still here, waiting for them to come back to the space I’d come to love? And the blogger in me wondered – why walk away from all those followers? It seemed so silly. It was you blogging before. It’s still is you blogging now, regardless of the URL, name, and design.
But now I know. Because I’ve been wanting to come back to this space for some time but couldn’t.
Because the name is wrong. Because I hate the name of my blog. Isn’t that just so stupid?
It seems like the days of cutsie blog names has passed us. I can’t just be like – let’s call it Archie & Eggplants (terrible) or some other adorable noun & noun combo. Maybe blogging is dead in general (or at least the way we used to do it). I don’t know (but I hope not).
I feel like I never found a name that fit this space. So instead of writing anything here, I’d log in to WordPress and just feel like it was all wrong. I’d write half posts and feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing. My blog is an ill-fitting sweater that looks cute on the hanger but then is a little itchy once you put it on and maybe too tight in the upper arms and too boxy to ever be flattering. But I’m not ready to throw it away yet.
I don’t want to start over from scratch. Am I mortified by some of the things I put on the internet in past years (2012!)? Absolutely (like the time I put my 5th grade report card on the internet, the time I attempted to make a tutorial on the worlds ugliest hairstyle (but I was serious), or the time I dyed my hair a hideous brassy blonde and was somehow mostly okay with it). But it also feels like a weird version of distorting the truth if I deleted my most embarrassing posts from way back when. They are part of my story here and I shouldn’t deny some poor schmuck the opportunity to go back and read from the very beginning, because I know I love doing that when I find new bloggers. I barely remember writing many of those posts so re-reading them is insight about who I am (or am not, anymore) and what used to matter to me. What I used to like. What I used to think was funny (stop it with the gifs, 2014 Nadine).
So here I am. Still pondering what to call this place and also trying to remind myself that the name of the place doesn’t have to be perfect. That it’s more about the words here.
It can’t just be me that gets hung up on this kind of thing. It can’t be just me who wonders if it’s worth doing at all if it isn’t perfect. It’s why I burned out on blogging in the first place. My posts took ages to write and I edited them over and over again, constantly wondering if something was too controversial or too boring. Worrying whether the internet would question my intellect over some minor grammatical error. Wondering whether someone might read it and think it was a waste of life or worse, not read at all.
I’ve been out of this game for a good long while now. It feels like a different world. I went back to being a blog reader instead of a writer. For some weeks and months, I stepped away from this world all together.
I want to blog again but I don’t want it to be so completely consuming. I’m not a full-time blogger and never want to be. I want this to be an enjoyable space for me again. I also need to re-learn so much of what used to be second nature to me. How do I put a picture on this thing? What does Yost SEO do again? And while we’re at it, should I figure out what liketoknow.it does? Being a blogger is no longer a large part of my identity. Maybe this space will be better for it.
Here I am. Let’s give this another try, shall we?
Also, here’s what Archie has been up to.
p.s. If you have any blog name ideas for me, drop me a line below. Or feel free to yell at me in all caps and tell me it doesn’t matter anyway. Much appreciated.
p.s.s. I only re-read and edited this post like
3 6 times. WHICH IS A FREAKING RECORD FOR ME.