Scarier than Surgery?

This is what my yesterday looked like. It wasn’t what I’d call fun but I slept for over 16 of the last 24 hours. Archie did what he could to help the healing process. Not.

Complete and total disregard for personal space. Big thanks to N for letting this happen and even capturing a photo of it. Nothing says helpful to healing like a 50lb. dog walking all over you.

In truth, I am grateful to have had my love by my side the entire time. This guy held my hand for a total of at least 5 hours yesterday, kept my family updated on how I was doing, and even got my favorite pizza for dinner without me even asking.

Throughout this process I’ve tried to decide what to keep private and what to share. While I’ve decided to keep mostly quiet about this, I can assure you that it wasn’t elective and you won’t see me whippin out some double D’s or a brand new nose. But did get me thinking about a larger fear.

I’ve been blogging for about a year and a half and I’m about to let you in on my biggest secret: blogging scares me

For so many reasons, blogging is scary. We have to hold back enough that we maintain our personal safety but share enough that readers want to come back, all while staying true to ourselves. Finding that balance is hard. 

I live in constant fear that a future employer will find my blog and refuse to hire me because of it. For that reason, I censor myself a bit. I wish I didn’t have to. Am I the only one who worries about this? What if somewhere down the road, some post I wrote about the time I slept in a bathtub or the time I made myself into a gif comes back to haunt me? What if it keeps me from changing the world? 

In real life, I’ve been told I lack a filter. What I think in my head generally flies out of my mouth with little regard to the situation at hand (as you might have guessed from this post). Some say animated, some say obnoxious. I don’t have the luxury of allowing this to translate completely to the blog world. 

I really don’t want to be boring. And desperately want to be myself. I don’t know if I’ve figured out how to do both yet. I so envy women like Raven who put it all out there and are unafraid. I just don’t know if I have a thick enough skin to truly say exactly what I’m thinking all the time and handle the backlash.

I also really don’t want to get murdered.Totally normal, right? I can just imagine winding up a Dateline Special about the blogger who put all her business out there in the world, so what did she expect? And this is why I won’t go in our basement alone. Or why I live “back east” and not in any specific place. Or why you won’t find my last name anywhere. I don’t want to inspire any episodes of Law & Order: SVU, thankyouverymuch.

I also want to be liked. I fear criticism. I’ve never handled it well. Maybe that means blogging isn’t the best forum for me but it’s also something I really love. So just know, I’m still looking for that balance. Some days, I want to pretend I’m a Buzzfeed writer. Others, I want to obsess over my dog child. My world isn’t all sunshine and sparkles. I want to share that. But sometimes it’s pretty freaking awesome and I want to share that too.  What scares you about blogging?

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