Late Night Confessionals

It may not technically be Friday anymore and I may have had a glass of wine but isn’t that just the perfect time to confess a few things?

It is? Good.

I confess…

After over a year of reading applications for financial assistance from families of kids with cancer (over 1,400 applications), I don’t cry anymore. When I first started reading them, I got emotional over them quite frequently. It almost feels like I cut open the same wound over and over and now there is scar tissue. In some ways I wish that it wasn’t like this. But I think that scar tissue might be necessary for self-preservation. Otherwise the idea of so many sick children might just be too overwhelming (it still is, some days). September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. 46 children were diagnosed today. Please don’t forget them.

I recently got $320 in bills for my surgery. I don’t want to pay them. Go ahead and cry Socialist but my doctors said it was necessary and I kind of can’t believe that I have to pay that amount of money for something I had to do. Now I feel like a jerk because I know so many families (see above) with much bigger medical bills than mine.

I don’t watch any reality TV. I’m not into it. It’s crap. I’ll take the fabulously well-written sitcom any day.

I have a good amount of trendy clothing that I never wear. Each morning I inevitably reach for a simple t-shirt, jeans, and sandals. It’s what I wore yesterday and it’s what I’m wearing now. I have at least 10 statement necklaces and I wear the same necklace every day.

I can’t decide if I’m a city girl or a country girl and part of me hates the thought that I could just be a suburbs girl. With the windows down, listening to country music, I could swear it sounds like a good idea to (someday) buy land in the country and have a little farm. Then minutes later I get bored of my life and fantasize about living in a big city. I can’t decide and I’m scared that I’m destined for suburbia. Then the song plays in my head….”little boxes on the hillside…”

I have not stopped biting my cuticles and probably never will. I’m also considering taking “stop swearing” off of my 30 before 30 list. I could stop. I just don’t want to. So I’ve already quit 2 of my 30X30 goals.

My blog is so separate from my personal life that I get super anxious whenever I find out that someone I know in real life knows about it. And the most random people do, you guys. I hate it.

I don’t know enough about what is going on in Syria and it makes me feel like a bad person. Like I’m ignorant. What I do know is that people are dying. And not a small number of people. Tons of innocent people. I wish someone could tell me what I can be doing to help.

Linking up with Leslie

  • I adore you, Nadine. I also relate to your confessions so much — especially your thoughts on suburbia. In Japan I’ve lived in both the super rural countryside and now I live in the heart of Tokyo and to be honest, I miss the suburban SoCal life I was rockin’ before. I always thought suburbia was kind of a starting point to get to where the REAL magic was happening in the world, but I think I’m destined to live in the suburbs and I’m kind of okay with that.

    I also love that you “quit” two items from your 30×30 list. Actually, I think you did them even better than if you ACTUALLY did them. What I mean is that sometimes we set goals for ourself but they’re only really our goals because we THINK they should be our goals. Like not swearing. But if it ain’t you then it ain’t you! I’m glad you are cutting down your list to the things that only matter to who you are. 🙂

  • wine glass in hand, I get you. Thank you for this honest post. I should stop swearing and biting my cuticles, but I won’t… and it took me 26 years to figure that out. I grew up in the country & I dream of living in the city… some impossibly small loft who’s lack of closet space is utterly laughable, but has the cutest coffee shop right around the corner… I dig it!


  • Reality t.v. gives me a headache because it’s like a badly-written sitcom. Give me “little boxes on the hillside” any day.
    Unless, of course, it means I have to live in a town like Agrestic. Being military, we have no idea where we’ll be living. It’s kind of terrifying.

    I’m 27 1/2 and will probably never stop biting my cuticles. Oh well.

  • I love this post, and appreciate it even more with a glass of wine in hand especially on a Friday! I totally understand what you mean when you talk about having scar tissue that makes each case not as difficult as the first one. This has been a hard concept for me to understand. My husband is a firefighter and a paramedic and some of the calls he goes on or the things he sees on a daily basis I can only begin to guess. He’s such a stronge person and really has an objective view of situations. He is one of the sweetest most emotional men with me at home but when it comes to his work he sees it as his job and does what he needs to do to help as many people as he can. I think it’s important that you allow yourself to build up that scar tissue so that you are able to better do your job and get through each day. Thank you for doing what you do and know that you are an amazingly strong person to be able to do that!

  • thank you for posting about childhood cancer awareness month. I had no idea it was this month, even though my little sister battled leukemia. I especially hate when coworkers read my blog. i just feel so awkward.

  • I can’t imagine your job! I want so much to do something good, but I imagine I’d just come home depressed every day!

    And I was quite ignorant on the Syria thing too. I’m only slightly more informed now because some nice soul on facebook posted this “9 questions about Syria you were too embarrassed to ask” on their wall:

  • Dee

    Oh gosh I’m so with you on the Syria and not wanting real life people to know about my blog.

  • I HATE reality tv. Such a waste of time. I need a well written show with character development or I’m not interested. 🙂

  • I was freaked out when I figured out my cousin got my blog, I’m glad I never wrote any “secrets” in my posts.
    Girl, just pray for Syria. That’s all we can do 🙂

  • Sitcoms are the cookie to my (lactose free) milk! I can’t wait for the new seasons to start.

  • I loved the confessions and how honest you were. Love me some sitcoms especially New Girl. I too get freaked out when I know real life people I know are reading the blog. And although it started out for friends and family to stay updated sometimes I wish I had a different space where I could talk about certain things without knowing that my mom and mother in law are reading.

  • I feel very awkward talking about my blog with really any family or friends. I told my friend (also my coworker) just in passing, but even that makes me feel awkward. I have no problem posting on Twitter/the Internet about it, but it just feels weird talking about it with friends and family. I think if I was ever one of those big time bloggers it’d be different, or even if I was making some money from it. It’s so tough.

    Also, I grew up in the burbs and was raised a “country girl” – I went fishing with my Dad, rode ATVs growing up and I believe camo is a primary color. But I love being in the city – being able to walk to stores and restaurants and the hustle and bustle. But then I want an actual yard so I can have a dog. Ugh. The struggle, you know!?

    carelessly graceful

  • I love your confessions. I hate paying medical bills when it is something that I HAD to do. Unless it is elective, we shouldn’t have to pay for it. Also, Syria… I don’t really know what is going on either so don’t feel bad haha.

  • I personally used to be a city girl…but nowadays nothing sounds better than running away to a farm with a small town nearby..raising cows and horses haha

  • I`m stuck in the City Girl or Country Girl identity crisis. I change my mind about 100 times a day about this..

  • I’m right there with you in all of your confessions with a few small differences in the minor details. I love how easy it is to relate with you 🙂

  • I had to comment (I found your blog looking at sophie and rory’s profile).
    I am a food blogger, and I always cringe when someone I know in real life finds out about my blog too!!! 🙂

  • You and I are in the same boat with the city/country/suburbs girl identity crisis. I have pretty much the exact same trail of thoughts! Guess we will just have to try them all!

  • I love honesty posts like this! I feel like my blog is kind of detached from my real life too! The only people who know about my blog are my boyfriend and 1 friend, thats it!

    Rowdy Fairy Blog
    Follow Me on Bloglovin!

  • I love this post – stop swearing is never going to go on one of my lists but it is just NOT going to happen! And the fact that you do not cry anymore isn’t a bad thing, it makes you better at your job, good for you for realizing it though!

    Sparkles and Shoes

  • I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your blog! Keep up the great work ♡

    PS: May I invite you to my huge Birthday Giveaway?

    Win 3 amazing prices with a total value of $650 on my blog:


  • Great post. I agree that a certain amount of scar tissue can be necessary! I ended up shutting down my old blog when everyone in my ‘real’ life found out about it. I’ve only just got up the courage to start again, but am dreading people finding it! Annabel

  • what’s the point in giving up swearing really? i probably do it more than i should but not in inappropriate situations so oh wel ha. also i’m so excited for mindy project and new girl to be back on!

  • Love New Girl and The Mindy Project. So excited for the new seasons to start this week. Totally with you on the no reality tv. 🙂

  • My husband says that he feels he’s really gotten very much hardened in his years of working as a nurse–it’s the very rare patient that can bring him close to tears–and in a field like that, I think it’s okay to be a bit tough. I feel like I’d be crying all the time, and then you’re no good to anyone.
    I love having wide open space where we live…but I’ve also lived in the city and I enjoyed being able to walk to everywhere. There’s benefits to both!

  • I’m SO excited about New Girl and Mindy coming back on. I love this post, and your awesome confessions.

  • I really liked these. Funny mixed with complete honesty. I have a very vague idea of what is going on in Syria. I use to keep abreast of current events. I understand the scar tissue for your job. I think it’s necessary for something like that. And I’m with you 1000% on the city vs. country thing. I grew up in the “country” compared to living where I am now, but it’s nice because I can go home to my parents’ house and get away, and then come back when I’m going crazy from the quiet.

  • Confessions which are completely true, love that Nadine! You could have mad these sound more cutesy but instad you opted for the truth whic I like 🙂
    Syria is complicated but something that isn’t is… I live in a city but I know I am a country girl! Now just to get there.. *sigh*

    Your job sounds emotionally trying but I think the fact that you don’t cry anymore shows how we can adapt to any situation we need too.

    Your confessions made me want a glass of wine too!

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