Goals I Have A 0% Chance of Achieving


Like I said before, I’m not making New Year’s Resolutions and you shouldn’t either. But if I was going to make completely outlandish goals that I have zero chance of following through with, here’s what they’d be.


1. Try to tell N that you love him as often as you tell Archie. You average about 100x a day. On second thought, maybe don’t. You might scare him off.

2. Your refrigerator is not an expired products holder. Donate any current tupperware containers to the closest 7th grade science class and for the love of God, clean your fridge.

3. Do not talk to your boyfriend about any of the following: weddings, engagements, round cut 4 prong Tiffany setting diamond rings, anything you saw on Pinterest, or how drinking too much coffee makes your stomach feel.

4. Stop biting your cuticles. No one wants to shake your hand when you are constantly a germy, bleeding mess. You paused after you typed that last sentence to get a little gnawing action in. RIP thumb skin.

5. You are 25. Adding sour cream to Kraft Mac and Cheese cannot be your “signature” recipe. Get one.

6. Pizza should not make up 45% of your diet, as it did in 2013. That being said, this is the resolution you have the slimmest chance of achieving.

7. Go to the gym every….hahaha couldn’t even finish typing that one.

8. Do not ugly cry over anything related to Kaylin’s wedding again. She gets it. You’re happy for her. Nobody wants to see all that.

9. Stop sleeping like a contortionist in bed at night to accommodate Archie. Keep in mind what others like to remind you of: he is a dog, after all. Not a human child.

So really, those are the changes I should consider making in my life. But like I said, I’m not making resolutions.

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