As we enter swimsuit season, I feel compelled to share my most embarrassing moment with you all as a warning. I shared this once before, back when N and my Mom were my only readers. As Summer is approaching, I decided it needed to be shared again in order to potentially spare you the brutal embarrassment I endured.
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BUY A BATHING SUIT WITH A PLASTIC HOOK CONNECTOR.
My family vacations at the same beach every year. If you grew up in the mid-atlantic, your family probably vacationed in one of three places:
- “down the ocean” – Maryland
- “down the shore” – Jersey
- “at the beach” – Delaware
That is the proper east coast terminology. Weirdly, people rarely vacation in the same state they live in, even though the beaches are all pretty much the same.
So I’m on my family vacation at the beach. My entire extended family (20 people+) stays in a big house that we rent all together. Then during the day, we all sit on the packed beach in beach chairs in a big half circle and chat and read books and just sit there. In case you’re wondering, yes this is my ideal vacation. Sitting and talking and reading.
I’m sitting next to my Dad in a beach chair, reading a book that I absolutely can’t put down. I lift my hand, ever so slightly, to turn the page.
I see something fly out and land about 10 feet in front of me. Startled, I look down only to realize that I’m looking at my bare chest. MY BATHING SUIT CLASP HAD BROKEN AND MY BIKINI TOP SLING-SHOTTED OFF MY BODY ON A CROWDED BEACH. Did I mention that I was sitting right next to my Dad? Oh, and my whole extended family?
Naturally, I drop my book and cover myself with my arms. By this point, I’m attracting attention (but only from my own extended family – cause that’s better) My Step-mom screeches to my Dad, “John, GET HER A TOWEL!” My Dad is so mortified (for me? at me? because of me?) that he’s putzing around and cannot find a non-sandy towel. Sandy will do, Dad! Anything will do!
I decide that yes, laying face down would be best and would perhaps make it less obvious that I am topless on a non-topless beach. But have you ever tried to go from sitting to kneeling to laying down without using your arms? It’s not something that can be done gracefully. Allow me to paint a picture for you: I belly-flopped on to the sand, landing with a thud and nearly knocking the breath out of myself.
Eventually my Dad did find a towel which I then discreetly (but I mean, what’s the point now?) wrapped around me and casually walked up to the house to put on a different bathing suit top.
And that, friends, is why you should just go ahead and splurge on a good bikini top. OR….and you knew that was coming, didn’t you?…I’ve found a lifehack for cheap people. Because God knows I won’t spend more than $25 on a bikini top. Here’s what I do on all my cheap bathing suits now:
- Snap off the plastic hook. Smash it with a hammer, slam it in a door, do whatever you have to do but get that dang thing off.
- Now you’ve got a little loop on each side of your bathing suit but no way to connect it. Good. Now we need metal.
- Got a key ring? If not, you can order them for dirt cheap on Amazon but I usually can find one hanging out with some key that I’ve forgotten what it goes to.
- Loop it through both sides of the loops on the bathing suit. Sure, now you have to put your bikini on over your head. But I promise, it is worth it for the embarrassment I may be saving you from.
And now, since I’ve gotten all worked up talking about the Summer and bikinis and traumatic memories, here is my absolute favorite bikini trend for Summer 2014. I’ve way passed the point of wanting to wear skimpy bikini tops. While I have a one-piece, I want something in-between and tankini’s just look so…Mom. Enter – The Midkini!
All swimsuits – Target.
Well, now that I’ve shared that, I’m outta here. Is it Friday yet?