Dear Prince He-Who-Has-Not-Been-Named,

Well by all means, take your sweet ass time getting here. It wasn’t like there were 800 reporters camped outside of the hospital for weeks in the middle of the hottest month of the year or anything. And no, it didn’t urk me at all that I had to check usmagazine.com every hour for the last 10 days for updates on your arrival.

Every day for the past week I woke up thinking, today is the day I write that dear royal baby post! And then it wasn’t. If I actually had a blog schedule, you would have screwed it all up. But no matter, you’re here and I’m just thrilled that E! News wasn’t talking about Amanda Bynes again tonight. It was all you, kid.

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Your parents haven’t released your name yet, but we all know it’ll be something boring. Still, I think we American’s secretly hope your parents will go the way of Jay Z and Queen B (American royalty, kid) and name you something totally outrageous. Prince Jett Thatcher Noah Lennon Sawyer. By all means, suggest that to your parents, but the bookies are saying you’re bound to be Prince George Richard Philip McBorington. (Bookies, take note of my prediction, because I totally called North West so I’ve got a streak going) You’ve still got a shot of being fun though, cause your Uncle Harry’s name is Henry Charles Albert David and boy, does he keep things interesting.

And that’s why you’re our favorite Royal, Harry. Come back to Vegas anytime but please leave your Nazi costume at home.

Now let’s start with yo mama. No jokes at her expense, I promise. It’s just that she’s the reason I even give a damn about you. Why? Because she’s a regular effing woman! Who married a Prince! If your Pops had married some hoity-toity royal beeyotch I woulda been like, eh who cares. But if the Lifetime movie version was even close to right (they always are), the Prince of freaking Britain married his college hook up buddy. Hell to the yes, a modern day romance. So regular girl Kate is your mama and we’re all sunshine and roses about it, kid.

Although now that I think about it, she couldn’t have gained more than 10 pounds while pregnant with your 8 pound butt so maybe she isn’t such a regular woman after all. We would hate her for it but since we’ve all been half way up her va-jay-jay all week, I think we all need to just give her a round of applause and an apology.

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And now one last thing. I don’t think a single person on earth knows your last name. You know, for being royalty your family sure does keep it casual. Just Prince [first name]. Hell, we even call your mother Catherine, Kate. So I wikipedia’ed it, and sure enough, your Dad, Pop-Pop, and your cool Uncle Harry all have a slew of first names and not a single damn last name. Unless of course it’s “House of Windsor”. Personally I always hoped to be a Gryffindor but looks like you’ve been sorted into Windsor and that’s that. Still, I’m 90% sure that isn’t your last name either. Good luck taking your SAT’s kid. You’re out 200 points right there.

Here’s to hoping you’re a ginger!

With love from America,

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