Dear Baby Kimye,

Right now, as you sleep sweetly at Cedars-Sinai Hospital (where all celeb kids are born), the world impatiently awaits the reveal of your – sure to be ridiculous – name. 
 
In fact, as you were born on Saturday and it is now Tuesday, this is the longest the Kardashians have managed to keep their mouths shut about anything. With their combined 70 million twitter followers, I think they deserve a nice slow clap for this astounding effort.
 
Before long, you’ll figure out that you’ve got some um, unique parents.
 
kim and kanye
Growing up, I thought my parents were embarrassing. Yours are way worse. Wait until your friends see your Mom’s sex tape or your Dad shames the worlds biggest pop sensation on stage at an awards show. There isn’t even a word for how embarrassing your teen years could be.
 

Other things to note:
 
Your Mom is the worlds ugliest crier. If you could try not to push her to that point, you’ll be saving the world from having to see this again, which we would all greatly appreciate.
 

 
Your Dad now refers to himself as Yeezus. Yes, Yeezus. I’m not sure if they’re going to take you to church or your Dad will just teach you all about him and how amazing he is. In fact, he even has a track on his new album called “I Am A God.” Plus, he is the Steve Jobs of music and is the absolute best at dishing out compliments (to himself). 
 
kayne as jesus

You’ve been born into what is essentially America’s First Family of reality television. Let’s recall the first season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, shall we? Your mom posed for Playboy, your aunt got a DUI, and your other aunt had a pregnancy scare. It’s been a bumpy ride since then but since your extended family made $65 million last year,  my guess is they’ve got a lot to teach you.
 

Now let’s talk about your friends circle. The average 3 day old baby doesn’t have many friends, but you, child, you’ve got some pretty famous ones. 
 
Besides your cousins, Mason and Penelope, Blue is your go-to girl. Yes, Blue. Sure, you’ll learn that color when you get around to coloring with crayons, but first you’ll learn about the Princess of Hip-Hop herself. 
 
Since your Dad and her Dad are besties, I bet you’ll spend plenty of time together. Heck, maybe your parents will name you North [West] and then you and Blue can put out a clothing line together in 20 years, Blue North. We’re already excited about it. 
 

 
Your upbringing is bound to be over the top and you’ll certainly have plenty of material for therapy. You’ll wear only designer clothes, globe trot on private jets, and you’re first pictures will go for at least $1 million. And between your Uncle Scott and Daddy Kanye, no one will ever bother serving you a slice of humble pie. 
 
We can’t wait to meet you, little Baby Kimye! Don’t let that go to your head, but if you’re anything like your Dad, it will.

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